I had this thought yesterday while sitting in my car after a really long day, and it just… hit me.
“I wish I could give myself a hug.”
Not like, metaphorically. I mean I literally wished I could step outside of myself and wrap my arms around me and tell myself I’m doing okay. That I’m handling more than I should have to. That I’m allowed to be tired.
Because honestly? I’ve been running on empty for weeks, and the person who’s supposed to be taking care of me (me) has been kind of a jerk about it.
When You’re Your Own Worst Roommate
You know that feeling when you’re barely keeping it together, but instead of being gentle with yourself, you’re somehow even meaner than usual?
Like last week, I spilled coffee on my shirt before an important meeting and my first thought wasn’t “oh well, accidents happen.” It was “of course you did that, you can’t do anything right today.”
What kind of friend would I be if I talked to someone else like that? But apparently it’s totally fine to bully myself when I’m already down.
I caught myself doing it again yesterday. I’d been dealing with work stress, family drama, and that general feeling that I’m disappointing everyone (including myself). And instead of thinking “wow, you’re handling a lot right now,” I was thinking “why can’t you just get your shit together?”
That’s when the hug thought hit me. Because what I really wanted in that moment wasn’t motivation or a pep talk or someone telling me to think positive.
I just wanted someone to acknowledge that this is hard.
Read More: How Your Body Creates Emotions Before Your Mind Knows What’s Happening
The Comfort We Can’t Give Ourselves
There’s something about external comfort that’s different from internal comfort, right? When someone else hugs you and says “you’re doing your best,” it lands differently than when you try to tell yourself the same thing.
Maybe it’s because we know all our own BS. We know about the times we didn’t try our best, the times we could have done better, the times we definitely did not have our shit together.
So when we try to comfort ourselves, that mean little voice goes “oh please, you know you’re just being dramatic” or “other people have real problems” or my personal favorite, “you created this mess for yourself.”
But when someone else offers comfort, they’re seeing us from the outside. They see our effort, not just our failures. They see how much we’re carrying, not just what we’re dropping.
I wish I could see myself that way more often.
The Weird Things I Do When I Need a Hug
Okay, this is embarrassing, but sometimes I literally do hug myself. Like, wrap my arms around my torso and squeeze. It feels ridiculous but also… kind of nice?
I put my hand on my heart and remind it that it’s been working really hard lately. Sometimes I talk to myself like I’m my own friend, though I usually keep the words inside my head because I’m not ready to speak them out loud. I brew tea and imagine I’m caring for someone I love. I pull on the softest clothes I own, slide under a weighted blanket, and create the feeling of being held.
None of it’s the same as an actual hug from an actual person who actually cares about you. But it’s something.
Why Self-Compassion Feels So Fake
I’ve read all the articles about self-compassion and positive self-talk, and honestly? Most of the time it feels like trying to convince myself that up is down.
When you’re used to being critical of yourself, suddenly being nice feels… weird. Like you’re lying. Like you’re letting yourself off the hook for things you should feel bad about.
Plus, there’s this voice that goes “if you’re too nice to yourself, you’ll get lazy and stop trying.” As if self-criticism is the only thing motivating me to function as a human being.
But here’s what I’m slowly realizing: Being mean to myself has never actually motivated me to do better. It’s just made me feel worse while doing the same amount of stuff.
And feeling worse while living your life is… kind of a waste of a life?
The Day I Tried Being My Own Friend
Last week I had a mini breakdown in Target (because of course it was Target). I was overwhelmed by everything I needed to buy, everything I needed to do, everything I was failing at.
And instead of my usual internal monologue of “get it together, you’re being ridiculous,” I tried something different.
I thought: “What would I say to my friend if she called me crying from Target?”
I’d probably say something like “Target is overwhelming for everyone, you’re not broken. What do you actually need today? Everything else can wait.”
So I told myself that. Just stood there in the toothpaste aisle talking to myself like I was my own concerned friend.
Did I feel silly? Absolutely. Did it help? Yeah, actually. It did.
What I’m Learning About Hugging Myself
I’m not great at this yet. Most of the time I still default to being impatient with myself, especially when I’m stressed.
But I’m trying to notice those moments when I need comfort and I’m not giving it to myself. Those moments when I wish someone else would step in and take care of me, but I’m the only one available for the job.
Sometimes it’s as simple as acknowledging out loud: “This is hard. You’re handling a lot. It makes sense that you’re tired.”
Sometimes it’s doing tiny things that feel like care: making my favorite snack, taking a shower, calling someone who makes me feel less alone.
Sometimes it’s literally giving myself that hug and pretending, just for a second, that someone who loves me is holding me and telling me I’m okay.
The Permission I Needed
I think part of me believed that if I was too gentle with myself, I’d fall apart completely. Like being mean to myself was somehow holding me together.
But that’s not how it works, is it? Being cruel to yourself doesn’t make you stronger. It just makes you more fragile and more alone.
You’re allowed to comfort yourself when you’re struggling. You are allowed to treat yourself with the same kindness you’d show a friend, You’re allowed to acknowledge that life is hard sometimes without immediately jumping to solutions or motivational speeches.
You’re allowed to need a hug, even if you have to give it to yourself.
What I Wish Someone Had Told Me
The hug you need isn’t always available from other people. Sometimes everyone else is dealing with their own stuff. Sometimes you’re alone when the breakdown hits, Sometimes the people in your life just don’t know how to offer the kind of comfort you need.
That doesn’t mean you have to suffer without comfort. It just means you might have to get creative about where you find it.
And yeah, hugging yourself feels weird at first. But so does everything new. And this is probably a skill worth developing, considering you’re stuck with yourself for the rest of your life.
When’s the last time you gave yourself the comfort you were wishing someone else would give you?
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